Silent But Deadly

Verse 1

Carol came to me in springtime, full of leaves and full of hope
Now she's brown and crispy, like a dried-up envelope
I misted, I rotated, I talked about my day
She listened for a week then she passed away

Pre-Chorus

The garden center lady knows my face
She sees me coming and she clears the place
She whispers to the orchids "run and hide"
'Cause everything I touch has surely died

Chorus

Another plant died in my living room
Another little casket, another little tomb
The succulent is shriveled, the fern has lost its will
And my aunt Bethys cactus even caught a chill
Lord, why'd you make me this way
A reaper in a sundress, killing green things every day

Verse 2

I watched videos till 2 AM, all about plant maintenance , and I still killed nine of them
The pothos was unkillable, the internet declared
Mine looks at me with despair

Pre-Chorus

My boyfriend wants me to take a break
My therapist wants to know what's at stake?
The plants say nothing 'cause the plants are dead
And their little ghost roots haunt me in my bed

Chorus

Another plant died in my living room
Another silent service, another sad perfume
The monstera is mottled, the basil's turning blue
And the air plant — needs nothing — and it died here too
Lord, why'd you make me this way
Every leaf I love turns a sorrowful gray

Bridge

(slower, with feeling)
I named her Penelope
She had three little leaves
She trusted me completely
And now she's composting
I wear black on Wednesdays
For the ones I could not save
There's a nursery receipt
Taped to every grave

Final Chorus

Another plant died in my living room
I bought a fake one Monday — even that one's doomed
The plastic leaves are drooping, the silk ones lost their sheen
I am the only person who can kill a not living thing
Lord, why'd you make me this way
A funeral director in a floral negligée

Outro

(spoken, deadpan)
In lieu of flowers... please don't send flowers.