Comedy Masquerading as News
DubZen???, Stinkin’ NFTs, and Governor Pete Ricketts says …. stuff.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Tooned-in. I’m your host Shawn Geekory where we bring you examples of absurd behavior from around the world, but only if we can make it sound more ridiculous.
Before we get started, sad news from the Tooned-in staff room today as James Woodall left the studio backwards while holding up both his middle fingers. James was the operator of the kryon hego graphics overlay machine we here at Tooned-in use to display the pictures on my left. James claims he was disgusted with how I looked at his wife at the Christmas party and was even more disturbed by what I did with his daughter last Tuesday. After many heated words in the writer’s room James claims I’m lucky to be alive and requested my presence in the parking lot after the show. All of us here at Tooned-in wish James and his daughter Stephanie all the best in the future. Since no one here at Tooned-in knows how to use a cryon hego graphics overlay machine, we’ve locked all the doors and started filming without the boxes. The six people that watch this ridiculous collection of homemade cartoon nonsense are going to be pissed.
Our top stories: Zada’s Vault online retailer of all things customized got quite a shock this week when a customer demanded a refund on their order of a dozen masks because they were only sent 12. Indianexpress.com reported that the disgruntled customer was unsatisfied with the number of masks their order contained because the customer was under the impression that the order was placed for a dub zen. The client went on to say in an email quote “I’ve never heard it being listed as 12. I swear it was pronounced dub zen. Like dub, 20. Whatever though. End quote. To save over 30s from needing to look this up, dub is slang street dealers used to describe a 20 bag of cannabis. Before Tooned-in could even tweet it out Zada’s Vault created a dubzen promo code that gets you 20% off your purchases throughout the store. Our hats go off to your marketing team for getting hip with the urban culture.
This is the part of the show management wants me to sit pretty and beg you to subscribe, which I protested against since we started writing this phenomenal waste of pixels. However since my wife is the executive producer and directly in charge of the amount of happy time I get… If you like the content whack that subscribe button and don’t forget to hit the bell so you never miss a thing from your Tooned-in team! God I feel like a purse dog. (Woman from off-screen) Love you. Well it’s finally here folks.
Flatulating for dollars is now a thing. Foxbusiness.com reported last week that a 36 year old film director had been recording he and his friends passing gas since the beginning of the COVID lockdown.
The simple thought of someone squatting over a microphone to unleash their latest air biscuit has us shuddering. But even more disturbing is the reason behind this windy adventure. Alex Ramirez Mallis has been selling the unsanitary recordings online for a song. He has been capitalizing on the new blockchain technology called NFT or non-fungible tokens. If you need a more thorough understanding of what NFTs are the Tooned-in team is the last place you’d want to go. Mr. Ramirez felt the world’s rush to NFTs was absurd, and as a way of protesting against the crazy idea he decided he would crap all over it.
Alex started binding NFT tokens to the rippin’ soundtracks and instantly redefined the word vaporware. We here at the station are morbidly curious about how the revenue is distributed throughout Alex’s team, but we’re guessing it’s likely a smelt it dealt its situation.
Pete Ricketts Governor of Nebraska demonstrated the definition of grandstanding last week when he spoke the phrase “if you legalize marijuana you’re going to kill your kids”.
A wowt.com News 6 report goes on to state that Ricketts likened cannabis to that of other schedule 1 narcotics such as LSD Heroin and ecstasy. Perhaps codeine, oxycontin and fentanyl were just not big enough problems on this day. The governor spoke of surveys in Colorado indicating elevated marijuana use rates in students between grades 8 and 12. Numbers the Governor felt were alarming probably because they didn’t collect these statistics back in the 70s. The Tooned-in team thinks that trying to collect information on narcotics use in a state which has a decade’s long reputation of throwing people in jail, for even the smallest cannabis offense, is likely to produce skewed mathematical results. At least Colorado knows what the hell they’re dealing with.
A simple google search revealed that the state of Nebraska’s number one cause of death is actually heart disease. According to the CDC the drug overdose rates in Nebraska are 7.4 percent per 100 000 people if we compare that to the firearms death rate of 9.0 per 100 000 with cannabis not even making it on the board. We here at the station think the governor’s office could use a bit of a math lesson in who’s going to die first. This grandiose approach the governor’s office has taken to vilify a drug they don’t fully understand is going to backfire in this administration like a turbo Subaru.
Not only was Governor Ricketts taking a hard stand on cannabis use, it seems that he was busy attempting to win the worst neighbor award. He declared that every Saturday as meat on the menu day, in direct response to Colorado’s veggie day called meat out day. Meat-out day is a movement Colorado residents were popularizing as a way of promoting a better balanced diet and reduced carbon emissions. Tooned-in News reached out through twitter to Governor Ricketts but all we heard in response were crickets.
Always remember, ladies and gentlemen: please don’t get your news from a cartoon. Be sure to check out the very thorough report by wowwt.com reporter Gina Dvorak. Get the link in the show notes. What do you think folks? Is governor Ricketts a hero, a bad neighbor, or does he just hate hippies? Let us know in the comments below.
Well that’s all the time we have for today folks. From everyone here at the Tooned-in news team. I’m Shawn Geekory.
Thanks for watching. This has been another fall down rickety production by Square Box Cube Media.
41 year old sues parents for support, Netflix and Kill and Ghislaine Maxwell doesn’t like her cage
You’re watching Tooned-in with Shawn Geekory. Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Tooned-in. I’m your host, Shawn Geekory. Where we bring you ridiculous stories from around the world on 100 recycled pixels.
Our top stories.
An unemployed 41 year old lawyer is suing his wealthy parents for support. Faiz Siddiqui graduated Oxford University near the year 2000. After working for a series of law firms he’s been unemployed since 2011 and now he wants his parents to float his financial boat, for the rest of his life. After an unsuccessful 1 million dollar lawsuit against Oxford for quote-unquote “inadequate teaching” he’s dragging his parents into court. And by the looks on our sensors faces it’s possible Tooned-in news might be next. Faiz claims in the suit he was denied a spot at one of the top U.S. colleges at the time and he believes his low marks were a factor in that decision. For someone who claims he wasn’t trained very well as a lawyer he seems to be suing people just fine. The sensors here at the tuned in news team know better than to mess with a fully functioning lawyer willing to take his own mommy to court and as a result, we’ve cut so many jokes out of this skit we’re basically just delivering the news. Let’s move on.
KMOV.com News 4 reported this week that a Saint Louis man was attacked by his nephew for refusing to give him his Netflix password.
In a story we here at the station are calling Netflix and kill, the man goes on to state that his nephew demanded the password at knifepoint after refusing multiple requests for the mysterious password. The man claims his nephew attacked him, leaving with a large laceration on his nose. We here at the station love our Netflix password as much as the next guy, but anyone brandishing a large kitchen knife is welcome to it. Since there was nothing to watch on tv, the assailant fled the scene before police could arrive.
Ghislaine Maxwell had the U.S. Department of Justice jumping through flaming hoops last week as her legal counsel argued again, that the accused sex trafficker be released on bail. The British Socialite is charged with soliciting teenage girls in the 1990s for financer Jeffrey Epstein in arrangement for sexual acts. With the overtones of the world’s smallest violin Maxell’s team argued that her client was living in quote unquote “severe conditions” which was degrading the 59 year old’s health and hampering their seven and a half million defense. If by severe conditions they’re referring to the cage the accused sex traffickers currently staying in, then I’m pretty sure it’s doing exactly what it was designed for. With access to millions of dollars, passports from around the world, and a history of evading the law Ghislaine Maxwell is a textbook case of a flight risk. However she pinky swore promised to stay put in the United States and has only set aside 500 000 US dollars for living expenses to hold her over for the remainder of the trial. In addition, she’s promised to renounce her citizenship to both England and France to which both countries were likely happy to hear. 500 000 us dollars is more than five times the income of the average American, and statements like these will not win you any favoritism in the court of public opinion. We here at the station are pretty sure that 500 000 us dollars is more than enough to permanently escape the long arm of the law since my brother managed to do it for five weeks with nothing.
There’s two sides to every story ladies and gentlemen and right now I’m going to make fun of both of them. Usatoday.com reported last week that the Kentucky senate voted in a new build to battle against the elevated amount of rioting seen throughout the state, because legislating emotions always worked in the past. Senate bill 211 states that now a class b misdemeanor comes with 90 days confinement. “If a person accosts, insults, taunts, or challenges a law enforcement officer with offensive or derisive language or by gestures or physical contact that would have a direct tendency to provoke a violent response from the perspective of a reasonable improvement person.” The most kindly worded go to hell we here at the station have ever heard. Tooned-in news is super glad we don’t produce the show in the state of Kentucky because we’re responsible for class b misdemeanors towards each other more than once an hour.
We here at Tooned-in tried to find another workplace environment where a large man wielding a stick and making threats wouldn’t seem out of place, however most north American workers are protected against that type of behavior at their office and now it’s time to protect the other half. Senate bill 211 known around the tuned in writing room has the “no sass back bill” also comes with its opposition most notably senator Morgan McGarvey. McGarvey stated on the matter quote unquote this bill shatters what we were working towards healing. He went on to say quote “it further divides us and puts us legally down a road that I cannot believe this body wants us to go” end quote. We here at the station did note that senator McGarvey didn’t have to deflect multiple rocks or sticks while he was vocalizing his disappointment. The Tooned-in team would like to send our condolences to the finger-licking good state for creating the biggest ball of legal christmas lights we’ve ever seen. Good luck sorting that out. Well that’s all the time we have for today folks. From everyone here at the Tooned-in news team, I’m Shawn Geekory.
Thanks for watching. This has been another fall down rickety production by square box cube media.
Dr. Seuss’ books pulled, Mars Rover takes a trip, and Amazon logo’s mistaken identity
You’re watching Tooned-in with Shawn Geekory
Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Tooned-in. I’m your host Shawn Geekory, where we bring you useless stories about the internet, when we really could be doing something more constructive with our time.
Our top stories: Dr Seuss, a racist? question mark? Surely this must be a lark. I did my research, I went back in time I looked through my childhood with my kaleidoscope mind. Now as a child I remember these books had some danger. But I don’t remember being taught to hate strangers. Or others, or colors or anything else. I remember his books were full of woohoos the tim jingers and tippity-talps and bozos with tar blings and a bunch of other trippy rhymes. If this dude was a racist he was a product of his time. Now love him or hate him for his racial ways. It’s just another bad example of how they thought back in those days. So Dr. Seuss enterprise took action right away, which just happened to land on the late author’s birthday. They took some of his books and quietly put them away, because neither company nor parody not then not today. it’s just never nice to talk about people that way and it doesn’t matter if You’re Seuss or the mighty Dr Dre. There are just certain lines we gotta respect nowadays. Now many new stations picked up on this tale, but when we hear it Tooned-in heard about him again a lil
nostalgia kicked in we started to read to our children. Now my son’s not as happy about this idea as I am, but at age 21 who can really blame him? All the news stations were quick to report but we felt the old man deserved a thoughtful retort.
Now whether he was racist or evil Tooned-in doesn’t really care. Dr Seuss was just a great reason to get back on the air. But we here at Tooned-in we had to report on him because we had no other sketches to put this rhyming crap in.
In other news the world’s most expensive RC car took a test drive last week the Mars Perseverance Rover went for a 33-minute autonomous drive to test out its navigation system. This is the first time we’ve sent commands to the remote vehicle since we flung the two and a half billion dollar hunk of metal in plastic towards the red planet like a stack of eggs at a substitute teacher’s house. The perseverance rover stuck the five-point landing on the surface of mars like a smiling Mary Lou Retton. Thus allowing American taxpayers to breathe a collective sigh of relief.
We here at Tooned-in really we’re more of a Ekaterina Zabo fan.
Since then the 2.7 billion dollar science buggy’s been setting up its toy helicopter and stretching out its robotic arm. Giving it much needed rest for charging after its long journey.
Ingenuity the robotic helicopter carried to Mars is scheduled to make the first roto-powered flight beyond earth’s atmosphere, because flying drones on earth comes with way too many restrictions. Frankly speaking if you’re going to fly an 80 million toy helicopter around at a cost of 1 million dollars per flight you really want to make sure the airspace is clear. Some keen-eyed science nerds coming over the perseverance first selfie noticed nassau engineers use of zip ties to hold down the 2.7 billion dollar spacecraft’s ultra-sensitive fiber optic wiring as if it were a weather drift car. Vinyl zip ties designed in 1958 by electric company Thomas and beets. They made their way into daily life over the years and everything from automotive projects to protest worthy handcuffs and now they weaseled their way onto Mars. This isn’t the first time we’ve visited the dusty ball of iron oxide starting way back in June 19 1976 when the Viking one touched down on Mars surface making it the first man-made craft to leave its mark on the lonely planet. Since then we’ve sent over 14 missions, with some of them containing multiple spacecraft. During the LED on mars or the landing entry and descent phase the man-made crafts need to eject their heat shields, discard their used parachutes, and are usually in need of dropping off other protective gear after the traumatic event. Thus leaving the untouched surface of the red planet looking like the aftermath of a Manchester Football Riot. If we keep whipping these knowledge expanding rubbish producing probes at the red planet pretty soon the only thing we’re going to know for sure is that Mars is on track to be just as polluted as the earth by the time we get there. Snowflakes around the world were up in arms last week as Amazon attempted to make changes to its mobile applications icon. No good deed goes unpunished as chat rooms around the world lit up with speculation that the new applications icon had a similar appearance to that of the long deceased Adolf Hitler.
We here at the station were not aware that the psychopathic, narcissistic, former German leader, hell bent on world domination, had a mustache made out of teal blue packaging tape, but we were unsurprised by the accusations given that it had been over a month without any nazi talk online. The Tooned-in team couldn’t see how anyone could make the connection between the most despised man in history and the world’s most lovable corporate giant because we’ve never seen Hitler smile. To appease the always sensitive internet Amazon quietly altered its logo to do away with the pareidolic connection to the late cycle pass mustache pareidolia is the phenomenon used to describe when we see patterns and images that are not really there you would be most familiar with this term as the Rochard inkblot testt often depicted in movies. If you’ve seen these ink plots outside of a theater then that says more about you than you likely want your friends to know. Scientists have yet to pinpoint parts of the brain that tie together the two seemingly unconnected things, likely due to how much more fun LSD testing is. Loved by many, doctors throughout the mid to late 1900s LSD or lysergic acid diethylamide is the psychotropic drug known for its hallucinogenic effects on the brain. Throughout the 60s and the 70s depending on what type of doctor you had, you were either looking at ink blots or pink elephants. Well that’s all the time we have for today folks. From everyone here at the Tooned-
in team. I’m Shawn Geekory. Thanks for watching.
This has been another fall down rickety production by Square Box Cubed media.
Tooned-in Special Report – In Bad Taste Burger KingUK
This is a Tooned-in news special report Burger King UK got so hungry for bad press this week it decided to stick its foot in its mouth when it tweeted the click bait “women belong in the kitchen” it went on to explain that it’s as long as they want to be there but the damage was already done BK attempted to explain away this use of the always popular misogynistic statement as a way of bringing attention to the fact that the percentage of women in the restaurant industry was less than 30. We here at the Tooned-in News Team think it could have something to do with the pay, or the hours, or the general lack of empathy when your children are sick. If a gender bias exists in an entire industry,
it’s likely due to one gender being a misogynistic arrogant bonehead to the other. After forcing women into the kitchen for the last 500 years the Tooned-in News Team wasn’t surprised to see them out following their dreams for a change.
Burger King went on to state that as an effort to attract women to the culinary industry they created a new scholarship program which will allow female burger king employees to pursue their Culinary dreams as if the BK assembly line is where hell’s kitchen cultivates its roster KFC tweeted to BK to take down the message but they doubled down on the misogynistic statement pointing again to their new scholarship program like a sexist force field. However their tactless approach only served to unite women everywhere against BK itself as messages from all over the globe poured into the twitter verse ranging from insults to alt-outrage. The Tooned-in News Team would have liked to participate in the corporate mudslinging but my wife said I wasn’t
Ep. 002 Sacramento Catholic School children expelled, Wheelchair Get-a-Way and China’s Rectal Swab tests
You’re watching Tooned-In with Shawn Geekory
Good evening folks and welcome to Tooned-in. I’m your host Shawn Geekory where we bring you five minutes of ranting lightly coated in information.
our top stories a Sacramento California Catholic School has taken playground bullying to a whole new level this week, when they expelled three students over controversy from their mother’s account on the popular social platform OnlyFans. OnlyFans is a subscription-based social media platform where users can sell or purchase custom-made content for a monthly subscription.
Crystal Jackson the California mother of three felt her marriage of 15 years starting to slip away. As a way of attempting to save the failing nuptials her and her husband found that they enjoyed taking racy photos.
It ignited the two dirty bird’s passion and sexuality in one fell swoop. The Randy couple joined the social media website back in 2019 when their friends on the popular idea sharing platform reddit told her they should open an OnlyFans page likely all in capitals. The friend, who we can only assume is subscriber zero, encouraged her and her hubby to go public with their images in exchange for a small fee. Within months, her account was making fifteen thousand dollars U.S.. Less than a year later the husband and wife team were closing in on 150k, which we here at the station can only assume is where your husbands are spending all their money. The super hot milf was back on track. Crystal was feeling confident with her new-found sexuality – which is hard not to have, when a half a million men are paying you and your husband over a hundred grand a year to get horny and take pictures. Her newfound confidence was no match for the mighty ignorance of humanity, when a local parent group caught wind of their secret life and informed their children’s school board of the only fan’s account, as if they weren’t already all members themselves. Crystal claims that the parent group printed the photos from her paid-only account and distributed them to more than one member of the school’s faculty in an effort to discredit and
embarrass her. We here at the station felt that distributing adult material throughout the school system would come with skins of punishment and we were right. Just like a high school breakup, the Jackson family was told via email. on the day of rest – Sunday that their children were no longer welcome to attend Sacred Heart Parish school any longer, as if they had something to do with any of this story. The Tooned-in news team would have reached out to the Sacramento catholic School for comment, but we really didn’t care what they have to say. Jacksonville’s news and talk 104.5 WOKV reported this week that a 39 year old crack addicted woman is behind bars today for robbing a bank from the confines of her wheelchair. The Tooned-in news team tried for several hours to find something funny about the incident but it only served as an exercise to deepen our already abundant self-loathing. In financial news this week the TSX S&P 500 and DOW JONES were all down this week with losses in the 10 point arena crude was on the rise as peace talks in the middle east intensify and if you understand any of that, you’re likely watching the wrong program. In International news this week Japan is asking China to stop rectal swabbing on Japanese citizens after their embassy received several reports of the filthy procedure. The test involves inserting a cotton tip swab two inches into your chocolate starfish, which will then be tested for the virus known as COVID-19. Their procedure, known around the Tooned-in news network writing room as mopping the hallway appears to be performed on all passengers entering Beijing from other countries. No official response was given from the Chinese government,
other than some light snickering in the background. Before we go this week we’d like to bring you an update on the story we brought you last week.
In last week’s episode we reported that billionaire SpaceX CEO Elon Musk had lost the title as the world’s richest man and that title was passed down to someone of lesser value. The Tooned-in news team research staff was able to track down the name of the smug bastard and it’s none other than former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.
We’d like to issue a formal apology to Mr. Bezos and his 189 billion dollar fortune, because it has feelings too. Congratulations Jeff, as if you don’t have everything else already. It’s what now? it’s… huh? Really? This just in: with a steep jump in the positive direction Tesla shares have hit their all-time highest value in months, placing the electric car maker CEO Elon Musk back on the top of the world’s richest list. Once again, Musk flipping the proverbial bird to Bezos as he flies by the longtime online retailer with a company that was nothing more than a science experiment just 10 years ago. Well that’s all the time we have for today folks from everyone here at the Tooned-in
in news team I’m Shawn Geekory. Thanks for watching.
Ep. 001 Gorilla Glue Girl, Delivery Driver Tip freak-out and Elon Musk
Welcome to Tooned-in I’m your host Shawn Geekory where we bring you comedy from around the world masquerading as news.
Our top stories today 40 year old Tessica brown had social media users glued to their screens last week when she told the viewers of the popular video sharing network tiptop that she had used the powerful adhesive gorilla glue on her hair after running out of the got2be glue hair products she normally uses.
Her sticky situation got worse when she went on to tell her viewers that despite numerous washings the product had stayed stuck to her scalp and would not budge. If that’s true being that gorilla glue states it’s 100 waterproof it would speak volumes about the product’s durability.
The Tooned-in team’s fashion correspondent Trisha Geekory was happy to report that Miss Brown’s hair looked fabulous and stayed in place throughout the whole ordeal.
The video garnered over 30 million views and sparked a number of late night talk show hosts to weigh in on the situation. Miss Brown says she was expecting some backlash from the internet when she posted the video but was overwhelmed by the attention that the posting received on the platform that literally rewards its content producers for their outrageous and bizarre behavior.
The Tooned-in team reached out to an unofficial media account for the Gorilla Glue company to which they replied ‘wtf exclamation point question mark lol’ the news team is unaware of what the cryptic message means but we’re interpreting it as shock and confusion.
The tiktok star recently created a fashion line honoring the ordeal called bonded together. This led some YouTube producers to question her motives. Chat rooms around the internet filled up with speculation about Miss Brown trying to cash in on the incident miss brown’s newly acquired publicity team was quick to respond to the allegations on their twitter account with the phrase “Nuh uh”.
The mother of five ended her viral video by telling her viewers not to use gorilla glue product for their hair quote unquote “no matter what” which we can all agree is good advice given the market cap for viral video is getting slimmer with every tide pod we eat.
In other news the Domino’s delivery driver from the viral video of him ranting about not receiving a tip has set up a gofundme page for the sum of 200 U.S. The driver in the video says the money will be used for auto maintenance and paying it forward. The driver went on to thank everybody who supported him during his 18 seconds of pure frustration in a system that is truly shattered from the bottom up.
Remember the good old days folks when tips were optional never really expected because businesses paid trained staff to do good work instead now we got these billion dollar companies paying their staff so little they actually have to live off our tips and discard food scraps from the floor.
The Domino’s delivery driver can be seen in the video loudly declaring that he didn’t want to work there anymore after spending five minutes in the rain and not receiving a tip.
Seriously folks how do we get to a point where young men with real jobs are receiving so little income for working that robbing you for the pizza money in a tip is better than two weeks wages.
In the video the man can be seen taking his frustrations out on a pile of boxes in the background punching and even kicking some of them to the floor. The Tooned-in News network team reached out to the cardboard box’s legal representatives, however a comment was not received before the airing of this broadcast.
Financial news today billionaire SpaceX CEO Elon musk has lost his title as the world’s richest man this week when Tesla shares dropped to their lowest point in three months. The title was passed down to some other no-name loser that nobody cares about because it’s not Elon.
Speaking of Elon, Tesla shares were on the decline this week as the price of bitcoin contracted over 15 percent tesla shares have been largely affected by bitcoin’s price since musk made a 1.5 billion U.S investment in January of 2021 with Tesla’s quote-unquote funds that are not currently needed to maintain operations. This steep drop in the oldest cryptocurrencies price shook shareholders confidence in the man who literally put all his eggs in one basket.
Well that’s all the time we have for this week folks. Thanks for tuning in from everyone here at the Tooned-in staff I’m Shawn Geekory. Thanks for watching.